Losing Myself

The words, uttered almost carelessly, sunk in slowly leaving in their wake an unexplainable chill. I felt my senses going numb momentarily before regaining control and rushing out to avoid embarrassment. It was strange that as much as I wanted you to understand my each and every reaction and emotion, I prayed sincerely that you had not noticed the magnitude of effect you were inflicting upon me. I felt totally helpless and incapacitated as I waited desperately for your minutest form of attention or even acknowledgement, knowing that it meant nothing to you. The obsession had taken its toll over me and I wondered how long it would be till I am packed up to a mental asylum for erratic behavior. Your mere presence is a bruise on my self confidence over my practicality and intelligence. I hate it when I catch myself wondering what I should wear today as you would be coming. I hate myself when I listen to a song and the first face that comes to my mind is yours. I hate it when I wake up in the morning and realize that I had been dreaming of you for the whole night. I really hate it when I find that you have occupied a considerable space in my mind which is challenging my sanity and my own character. The way you were twisting my life through your fingers was maddening.

I wondered what would have happened had I been a normal teenage girl who was pretty and emotional instead of being cynical and complicated and you were the guy she wanted and got easily. Just like a perfect story. I think that would have been quite boring and I, being me, would have lost interest in a couple of dates and dumped you for my best friends brother or vice versa. This sounded more painful than the situation I am in now. It seems somehow comforting to blame destiny or believe in nonsense like waiting for the right one as it eases the pain and burden off my already tired shoulders. I close my eyes to look at my future which had never included you. It seemed like somebody had spilled water over my perfect image.

Falling for you was never the part of the grand plan. I was happy with faceless life partner I had placed in my dreams just to fill the void in my future like my friends did. I had dropped the option of being lovable long ago and chosen being correct.

I do not know how you managed to wreck my life royally in a few meetings. But I really want to give you a punch in that handsome face knowing that I would have to nurse it over.

Such is life. Sigh.

Waiting for a stranger

You walk past me with a smile on your lips

I wonder silently if it was for me

You take a seat different from your usual one

I wish you did this to be with me

Every time you opened your mouth to say something

I prayed it would be a greeting for me

Knowing the fact that my emotions will assault me for hours

And result in swollen sleepless eyes the next day

I still try to gain your attention

I sneak a glance at you every 3^rd second

And look away the moment you move

And yet fail to understand how and why

Am I being controlled by a complete stranger?

Defeated by love

Her hurt expression burns my soul

Her withheld tears threaten to suffocate me

In a world of hypocrisy and impermanence

Where old relations are quickly given way

For the new and striking ones

Leaving the people behind them

Shattered with a handful of memories

She refuses my condolences

And rejects my company

To take refuge in her loneliness

And wait for time to heal wounds.

Sometimes I wish

Sometimes, during desperate moments I just wish you would understand the person


hidden behind the veils of laughter

and your arms would come around to comfort me

of the endless, senseless pain

caused strangely by your indifference....

Sometimes when the void threatens to consume me

And your absence takes its toll

Above everybody’s presence

I just wish that for a few moments I could call back

The times when we could talk about ourselves

Instead of the whole world around us.

Sometimes when the depth of the ocean mocks

The sea of tears held up inside me

I wish you would just appear and let me cry on your shoulder

Just for once

And let me break down oblivious

To the self erected bounds of loneliness.

Sometimes when life looks down and me and guffaws

At the moments when I neglected to care for you

When you were still there

I wish you would walk in from the doorway

And tell me that it is never too late

Sometimes when the chords of some lost song

Falls upon my ears

I close my eyes and pray that you could feel

The melancholy and for once feel the same way as I do

Sometimes when I come across happiness

I crave for your company

To make it meaningful and worth recollecting.

Sometimes when I feel that we were so meant to be

Yet always distant, separated by an invisible force

I curse myself for my helplessness

And ask for a chance to make you smile.

Sometimes when I trip across the laughing face of yours when we last met

I wish I could have somehow

Stolen that moment from the stream of time

Kept it safe in my heart forever.

Love died a thousand deaths...

Love died a thousand deaths

On the day you betrayed me
For the moment that separated us
Froze for eternity

Your fading footsteps roared in my ears
And were echoes of the dreaded end
Your cold eyes bore into mine
Crushing the trust they held for you
And left the questions unanswered
What have I done not to deserve you?

Love died a thousand deaths
On the day you betrayed me
For the sky that witnessed my torn heart
Cried for days ceaselessly
My soul trapped in the burning quagmire
Of confusion and pain howled your name
My every feeling shattered by your treachery
My every hope dampened

For love died a thousand deaths
On the day you betrayed me
The ground that bore my trembling weight
Is still afraid to let lovers walk over it
As they hold hands and dream on for a future
That may never even exist

The crumpled heap of flowers
are still lying on the fork
Where we parted ways
Never to meet again

My heart is still beating
In the hope of your return
If not forever then just moment
With the same affection reflected in your
And that can be the last thing I have to see
In this ever fateful life….

[P.S. most dramatic post of the lot, this was concieved while I was reading an update of a highly melodramic TV serial... :D]

Nothing matters...

Her eyes followed his feet as he circled the sacred fire and with every passing moment, her thought process slowed down. He stopped and allowed his bride take the lead as instructed by the priest. She had never seen him look so serious in his whole life while he concentrated upon the ceremonies but his eyes glittered with happiness. They completed the rounds and settled down for the rituals. He caught her eye and flashed her a grin which she unconsciously returned. His smile was always worth returning. The only reason why she was standing here all dressed up even as her heart cried and wailed. Her eyes were dry and her smile was genuine- watching her best friend getting married to the love of his life- someone for whom he had suffered so much, someone for whom he had longed since he was a teenager- was more painful than she expected it to be.



She was the one who had convinced her parents into giving him a chance to prove him- and he did! She was the one who decorated their nuptial bedroom and selected his outfit for the wedding. But in all this happiness, he had forgotten to look into her eyes see the tornado of feelings inside them. She had scheduled a meeting for his wedding day so as to present a believable excuse for missing the marriage. When he had heard of it, he gave her a long appraising look and said in a cold voice, “You- will miss my wedding? Very nice…”


She looked at him helplessly as he shrugged and continued with the newspaper. After a few moments of silence, he declared, “I don’t care how you manage; I want you here on 22nd December for sure.”


And here she was, unable to ignore him, watching the love of her life exchange vows with his love. Her mother came and stood beside her and whispered in her ear, “Are you alright?”


She glanced and her and did not reply. She sensed it and held her hand reassuringly as he tied the mangalsutra around her neck, binding them together for life.


“If he is happy, nothing else matters…” she thought years later as she played with his son.

Broken Innocence

I wake up with a start, very abruptly. Maybe it was because of the mangled dream I was having. I lift my head and look around the tiny room hidden the shadows of small broken and cheap buildings. A man is standing near the edge of the bed, buttoning up his shirt. He pulls out a bundle of notes and throws it down on my bed and sneers at me before leaving. It has been like that for years- wake up daily in unknown surroundings and see money thrown at you like you are a dog. Every night a guy would come to claim me- rather my body and tear me apart, shredding my already broken innocence. I have been like that so long that the days when I still treated as a human seem far away- from a distant land or of a different person. But nostalgia still managed to bring back faded scenes in front of my eyes- a beautiful lady with kind eyes and lips shaped exactly as mine…A tall portly man bringing me balloons every evening, lifting me in his arms…a small cottage with a huge garden… A young boy teaching me how to speak his name properly…


But all these are swiped away as the reality hits sharp and cruel. I have been branded and priced like any other commodity in the market for sale. Some would give me more than what I asked for, and some would take away more than I could give away. I close my eyes so as to suppress the burning in the corners. I hated crying, especially when it was for me. Self sympathy never attracted me. I have remorse, regret and even anger in me…but sympathy died long ago. I have been around too long to let those emotions overpower me now.

It’s a little colder than yesterday, I think as my eyes follow the thin stream of sunlight pouring through the slit in the thick curtains. These secluded lanes are my world. These dirty rooms are my workstations. I look at the bundle of notes again. Much more than what I asked for. I stretch my arm across the bed and pick up the green bunch. This must be enough to afford that handbag I have been eyeing from a long time. As I run my thumb across the edge of notes, faces of our great leader swish by, smiling in a manner that did not seem so noble now. Money leers at me as I accept defeat. I get dressed and leave.

Oh My Dear Darkness...

Oh my dear darkness, the dwelling of the cruel


Defense of the cowards and fright of the brave


I wonder what lies in your mysterious folds


What secrets your anonymity holds






You brighten the palest of lights


And cover the dirtiest of plights


And yet you are feared by the audacious


And they cower behind their lifeless swords






Your velvety depths invite me forth


As I feel lost and defeated


Condemned for no reason by the ruthless world


You give me the long lost solace






What brightness could never achieve


You accomplish in a moment as I step into you


My doubts are vanished about the known


As unknown seems more promising than ever






You absorb my pain and blood without a reply


And accept my ugliness as beauty


You caress my hands with the soft breeze


And point at the twinkling stars


For now I understand the worth of life


Is not to find the blinding brightness


But to be always able to find the stars


And love them who show the way


Through the inky darkness….

Lost...

I lifted my head weakly as I saw her retreating figure, slowly blurring because of the mist and darkness surrounding her. At first I did not realise what was happening- was she really growing smaller and smaller with every passing moment? The thought scared me and I shut my eyes to ignore the harsh truth staring at my face. I wanted to drown back in my dream- beautiful and wonderful where we were together and laughing.My reluctance creeped up my arms, slowly binding me. My ego and pride about the fact that ours was an unbreakable relation pushed me deeper in my momentary comfort. Her scream, distant yet audible roused me from my slumber. She had stopped but I could not see her face anymore. She was reduced to a dark shadow just like the people who used to exist in my life and had left courtesy my behaviour. She was the last one left. I couldn't see her pain, she hid it from me and this fact slashed across my heart, tearing it into pieces. I tried to raise my and stop her as she started drifting away again but I failed against the bonds binding me. She moved away until she was lost in the darkness andmy worst nightmare came true. My eyes were heavy again, not with sleep but with tears. I lashed against the forces holding me hostage . But it was too late.

fOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND

I walk on the beach, my feet leaving imprints in the wet sand. Waves lash against my soles, washing the sand from beneath them and then replacing it. I always enjoyed walking here feeling the waves hit me. Sometimes I am feeling too daring I wade in knee length water, testing my guts. The waves were strangely calm today, moving to and fro lazily instead of lashing with vigor. This was another reason why I love this place. The waves constantly matched my mood. When I am sad and troubled, they reflect my anxiety by being furious and threatening, as though my inner turmoil had materialized and dancing in front of me. When I am happy, they dance to my heartbeats, celebrating alongside. I can talk to the ocean forever, receiving silent replies and acknowledgement. This could be called as first symptoms of madness, talking to water, but I resist. The changing shades of the sea- deep blue, green and the strange mixture of red, violet and orange, I could never define, beckon me towards itself.


But the main reason why I fell in love with this particular stretch of coast is you. From all the famous sea shores I have seen in my career of navy, this small, ordinary one is the most special. The magical moments when you held my hand as we walked along the shore seem even more real when I come here. I agree that having you in my life, even though for a few months in my life was a pure stroke of luck. I never thought I would have ever progressed on from watching you discreetly sitting in the high school canteen. You sat at your favorite seat, just next to window, and I used to occupy the one near the door, exactly diagonal. You were quite popular, I later realized but never fell into the category of Casanovas, no matter how many girls tried to woo you. I can’t remember exactly how we became friends but I think it had something to do with a field trip. We had never exchanged spoken commitments but your gestures slowly graduated from being brotherly and friendly to romantic. I went along with everything you offered, without suspecting even once how all those things were my favorites. When we used to walk across this beach, I would keep staring at our interlocked hands, as you recited poems based on the ocean. Your right hand had a small vertical mark I was rather fond of. Your voice deep and rhythmic combined seamlessly with the sound of waves and could beat any kind of music. I used to make it a point to walk a few feet away from the waves then, because I did not like to see the waves wash off our footprints. You found this rather amusing and when you asked me why, my answer was, “Because if I ever lose you, I will come here and follow these footsteps and they will lead me to you.” You gladly distanced from the waves.

Many years have passed since that little conversation. We had parted ways after a year or so when high school ended. It did not hurt much because I think we both knew that we would meet again one day. I have been into many relationships since then, all of them intended to last forever. I don’t know where you are but a strange nostalgia overpowers me whenever I visit this city. I never bothered to go to my old home, or school. This small stretch of secluded beach held magnetic attractions for me. I try to find your footsteps, but fail. Maybe I wasn’t careful enough and the waves did wash them off… I raise my eyes from the sand and look up- to see you standing a few feet away from me, smiling. Spectacles look good on you. My lips form a fascinated smile as you move towards me and hold out your hand. I notice the same mark on your hand. I extend my hand to touch yours and my sudden suspicion of seeing hallucinations fade away. You pull me to your side and we start walking. You look puzzled as I wade into the water fearlessly. I take pity on you and answer, “I am not going to lose you now…” your smile widens.